One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Randomize
