Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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