I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize