He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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