Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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