I'm sorry my penis didn't work
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
