Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
