Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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