my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
