why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize