wanna go halves on a baby?
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
