I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
