turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
