Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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