I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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