I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
