will power is for people who don't want to get laid
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
