I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
