Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize