When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
