I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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