apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Randomize
