Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
