The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
