I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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