she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
