Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Randomize
