A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I wish you could order shots online.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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