fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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