sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
