so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I wish life had little blips of pornography
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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