Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
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