I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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