One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I AM VODKA MAN
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
