Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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