i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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