Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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