i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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