I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
