so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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