mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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