I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
my shit smells like andre
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
