just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
