You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
