ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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