I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
