Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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