Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
