actually, I'm a sock model
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
