During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
