I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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