I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
