Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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