Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
