When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
