don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
