I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
