You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
