If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize