My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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