I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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