I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
