does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
So much Jack, so little girl.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
